Babysitting On Earth
by Nova Adams
Summary: A factual look at the trials and tribulations of babysitting. This was originally published on h2g2.com.


"Babysitting is a noble job. Not only is it fun and rewarding, but you also get the pleasure of making small children happy and helping out their mother while she is busy. It is also very good training for girls who want to be mothers later in life, and it pays well."  
  
That is a direct quote from a babysitting manual, and none of it is true. (Except for the last four words.)   
Take it from me, babysitting is not a noble job. It is hard, exhausting, and surprisingly competitive. It takes huge bites out of your social schedule, and tends to drive you completely crazy.   
I got this manual from a babysitting class, and I will be quoting it (and then disproving every single bit of information that it gives you) throughout the article.   
Here's something to keep in mind while you read this: People who teach other people how to babysit have never, ever been alone in a house with two children under the age of seven at the same time.   
  
"Getting a babysitting job is very easy. There are probably many mothers in the neighborhood who would welcome a bit of extra help."  
  
Babysitters are territorial animals. We have our little areas, and parents that we babysit for.   
Take my neighborhood for an example. There are seven streets that run north-south and seven that run east-west. I, a thirteen-year-old nerd, babysit for the people on the south-east side. A seventeen-year-old trailer-trash girl named Rhonda babysits for the people on the south-west side. My nemesis, a popular girl named Michelle, babysits for the people on the north-west side. And a dropout named Alexandria babysits for the people on the north-east side.   
It's also amazingly hard to convince anyone to leave their kids with a high-schooler for three hours. My next-door neighbor, Nancy, has two kids, William and Michael. William is two years old, and Michael is six. Before I could actually watch them, I had to play with them outside while Nancy watched. Five times.   
Actually, that's quite lenient. The average mother reacts to a babysitting offer with a swinging broom and a territorial glint in her eye. It's best to get out of the house before she whacks you.   
The Baby-Sitter's Club series, by Ann M. Martin, is pure science fiction. No group of babysitters could share that kind of territory without killing each other.   
  
"When taking a babysitting job, the best thing to do is to first find out whether the children have any allergies, what the rules of the house are, and what to do if an emergency arises."  
  
Kids lie. Especially the little ones. Especially the kids who want to stay up two more hours past their bedtime so they can finish watching the R-rated movie that they started while eating a whole gallon of gourmet chocolate ice cream that they spilled while jumping on their mom's bed when they were trying to reach their dad's expensive cologne to play with.   
It doesn't matter what the rules of the house are at all. A parent will tell you that the kids are only allowed to watch G-rated movies, may eat one small bowl of pudding before going to bed at 6:30, must finish all their dinner, and may not go into their parent's room, and you will still end up watching Basic Instinct at half past midnight.   
There is a very, very good reason for this. Kids are really good at making excuses. A child will tell you that their mommy said that they could stay up if they wanted to finish the movie they were watching, or that their daddy said to go into his room if they needed anything, or that they're allowed to watch just that one R-rated movie, or that unless you give them some ice cream, they'll tell on you.   
It's no use putting them in time-out when this happens. All you can do is sigh and say, "Well, you had better be in bed when your parents get home." And you know what? They will be. The second you hear those tires in the driveway, you turn off the TV, throw the empty ice cream container in the garbage, and hustle those kids to bed. If you smile real big and gush about how good the kids were for you, you'll get a tip.   
  
"Little children can be entertained for hours on end with a simple game of peek-a-boo. If they get tired, just put them down for a nap and sing to them."  
  
Most kids have the attention span of a gnat that just drank a gallon of espresso. Even if you have the biggest, best, most colorful toy in the world with you, they will play with it for two seconds, then throw it against the wall and start chewing on a teddy bear.   
Kids tend to be much cooler than you think. If you try to get them involved in a game of peek-a-boo or something equally mind-numbing, they will look at you in the exact same way you look at your parents when they sing along to the Monkees. Then they will pick up a stick and pretend to shoot you.   
Very young kids just like putting things in their mouth. You can hand them anything-a stuffed animal, a television remote, a live gerbil-and they will pick it up and immediately start gnawing on it.   
Older kids mostly like torturing their little siblings. Last time I babysat William and Michael, Michael (the older one) picked up a jigsaw puzzle and dumped all the pieces over William's head. Over and over. For an entire half an hour.   
No child that you watch will ever go to sleep for you. You can put him in his crib, you can give him a warm bottle, you can sing to him softly, you can feed him a tranquilizer…It doesn't matter what you do. The kid will close his eyes for two seconds, then stand up and announce that he just went poopoo. Which brings us to the next thing that I want to talk about.   
  
"Changing a baby's diaper is much easier than you think it is. You just take off the dirty diaper, unwrap the new one, slide the baby's feet in, and attach the tabs."  
  
Trying to get a little kid dressed is like gift-wrapping an octopus. The only difference is that the little kid can scream much louder.   
Changing the diaper of a baby is the most disgusting thing in the world. Putting the clean diaper on is even harder. Novices put them on backwards, inside out, upside down, and on the baby's head. Professionals (like me) do the exact same thing, but we give the kid a piece of candy first.   
I won't even get into trying to get a kid dressed. It's impossible unless you call your mom over to help.   
  
"If a child gets hurt, you should immediately assess the damage. If you cannot handle it at the house, you should call 911."  
  
The key word for injuries while babysitting: Band-Aids. With cool pictures on them.   
When a little kid falls down and scrapes his knee, he will start wailing like a fire engine. He will keep this up while you carry him into the house, while you tear the medicine cabinet apart to look for Band-Aids, and while you clean off the wound. That's why colorful bandages are so important.   
Little kids love colorful things. If you take out a Band-Aid, they will immediately shut up and watch you put it on them. Then, they will either tear it off and throw it into your hair, or try to put a Band-Aid on you. Either way, you end up covered with bandages.   
  
"Younger children love fruit. They may make a mess, but it is easy to clean up. Older children do not need help in eating."  
  
The best way to feed a little kid is to put him outside with a bowl of food. After he's done, hose him off.   
Little kids are very, very, very messy eaters. This goes almost without saying, but I wanted to say it anyways. They will throw food, spit food out, fling it all over the place, anything but actually eat it.   
Older kids are very picky. I once babysat a six-year-old girl who loved peanut butter sandwiches. At lunchtime, I made her a peanut butter sandwich. She looked at it, and said, "There's too much peanut butter on this." I opened it up and scooped out some peanut butter. She then told me that it still had too much on it, so I scooped out some more. We repeated this about ten times. Finally, the girl took a bite of her sandwich. She then looked at me, and said, "I want more peanut butter."   
Another time I babysat her, we had hot dogs for lunch. She took one bite and announced that she was full. I told her, "Just eat half of it." She did. I then told her to eat half of it again. She did. I repeated this until she had finally eaten the whole thing.   
  
"Babysitting is an excellent option for girls who want to be mothers. It pays very well, and is a very rewarding job."  
  
After babysitting, I am usually exhausted. I come home from a job, take a shower, and crash into bed. Watching little kids for three hours is enough, thank you very much. I don't want to spend eighteen years doing the same thing for no pay.   
And speaking of pay…Well, the parents aren't stingy. I usually get five dollars an hour, plus a nice, fat tip. That's a lot for a thirteen-year-old girl who spends most of her time on the computer.   



End file.
